Year: 2013

I cannot remember what I used to do with all my time. Oh wait, yes I do. I watched entire seasons of shows in a couple days. Gross. I can’t believe I was such a Jabba-the-Hutt. Yes, I just used a Star Wars character as a verb. ( You know you liked it.)

Since having Caidoc, I think time has become so much more precious to me. I can’t imagine wasting one second of his time, of his life. I want everything for him, all life has to offer- all the experiences, feelings, desires, and goals. When I look at him I see so much potential and so much wonderful, fleeting time ahead of him. It’s so EXCITING!

I don’t think my time, my life, is the priority anymore- his is. To be honest, I like it that way.  I’m going to do everything in my power to make it the best life possible for him. I have a feeling he was brought here, to me, for the very reason that I need to stop being so introspective and preoccupied with me, myself and I. Here everyone thinks he needs me, but really, I need him. 

I’m realizing that more every day.

Tell you what, I never, in my wildest dreams, thought caring less be so incredibly freeing.

Since I joined the Parenting Club on May 17th, 2012, I’ve had some of the most difficult and unexpected experiences of my life. I’m not talking about trials and joys raising a baby,  I’m talking about the Club that’s shaping me as a parent. The minute you walk out of the hospital, you’ve joined a new group of people and whether you like it or not, you’re in it for life.

It’s not as morbid as I’m making it sound. The benefits of being surrounded by help and advice and over flowing generosity is truly an incredible thing. I guess my pre-conceived  notions are to blame for any negatives I’ve found. I figured that once you have a baby you are a grown up, (of course I thought that once you got married you were a grown up, ‘course I figured that one out pretty quick ;). The fact of the matter is, having a baby doesn’t make you act like a grown up, and I’m finding out most people I assumed were “grown-up” because they had kids aren’t “grown-ups” at all. And it’s depressing.

What do I mean by “grown-up”…Let’s see. I guess I figured that the petty personal competition, selfishness, drama and obsessive behavior was given up at the hospital once you left and you came out being the best version of yourself (or at least trying your upmost) for the sake of the new little life you are responsible for. I’d like to say that I’ve fundamentally changed since I’ve had a baby. I think I have. I hope I have. Some people, haven’t. And now that I’ve joined the Club were I thought we’d all be trying to be our best selves, I feel let down- because that’s not the case.

I know it’s not fair to expect so much of others, and I know by the measure I judge others I will be judged, and that’s okay with me because I expect it and probably need it. I guess I just feel disillusioned. That’s okay though. Not all that glitters is gold.

 But some things are…

 

And they make everything else worth it.

Here I am again. Finally! I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get back to my blog.

I could say that I had a baby, my beautiful little boy Caidoc (KAY-doc) and I was so busy wrapped up in being a new mommy that I let Conundrum fall by the wayside.

(He sure is adorable eh?)

I could say that I was working at home and that was taking up a lot of my time and energy. But none of that would be the reason I wasn’t blogging. I think the reason was, that I felt I had nothing positive to say, and I didn’t want to be blogging if I was only going to complain. I know, kinda pathetic. There it is.

But I’m back. And I have a lot to say.

Generally, I don’t buy into the “New Years Resolution” game. I find it discouraging when, by mid-February, all the grandiose resolutions have been given up. So, I’ve given it a lot of thought (clearly, since it almost IS February, maybe I could just make Valentines Day Resolutions…) and here is what I have come up with: I resolve to try. Deciding to give up coffee or lose 15 pounds or read 20 intellectual books in a year or only go of Facebook once a week…to be honest, those would NOT happen no matter how hard I “resolved”. Call it weak will if you must, but I like to call it over-commiting. 2013 will be different because I am going to do what I do best: try. When I try something, I try it HARD. So, even I don’t accomplish something, at least I tried. And here is my list:

In 2013 I am going to at least TRY to do all these things.

1. I want to read more books. If I want my son to be a reader, I need to keep up with my reading. We are off to a good start, I treated myself to the new series by Veronica Roth, Divergent and Insurgent. They are more juvenile for someone my age but ya gotta start somewhere (can I admit that I am THROUGHLY enjoying them without sounding like a teeny-bopper?!). Caidoc is doing vey well too, he read books with me for a good 20 minutes the other day with rapt attention. For an eight month old, I’d say he’s ahead of the curve…even if the only book he wanted to read was a baby book of himself. *Ahem!*
2. Pre-pregnacy body. Yes, I know we all want it, but I WANT it. I desperately need to be back in shape in order to keep up with my little boy. He’s already tiring me out and he isn’t even walking. Also, I can barely do 20 sit-ups. That’s mortifying for me.
3. Cut the self-depreciation. I do it too much, it is not healthy and using it in humor can’t be the only way I make people laugh. I can be more creative than that.
4. No more “Latte Factor”! Recently, Chris and  I revisited David Bach’s Smart Couples Finish Rich (I highly recommend it) and it was motivating..and discouraging. To sum up, a “Latte Factor” is a seemingly small expense you regularly indulge in. Most of the time, these little expenses add up and over the course of a life time, $4 a day can end up being a half a million dollars. I am ashamed to say I have several “Latte Factors” . It’s not a daily thing, but it’s still bad.
5. Be a better wife and mommy. This is a day to day-er for me, and always can be improved on.