Some people know everything there is to know about being pregnant…and some don’t. If you fall into the latter category, don’t worry, you are in good company. Here’s to illuminating those details that, for some reason, are mysteriously forgotten when we all get “The Talk”.
After all, honesty is the best policy, eh?
1. No matter what type of illness you may have ever had before, hospitalization, mono, broken limbs, etc., being pregnant will blow your mind out of the water. I’m not talking about birth, but the agony a woman experiences while pregnant. I’ve thrown up before, you know, we all have. But regular throwing up brings a sort of relief to the pain you are feeling. Pregnant throwing up is nothing like this. You will vomit until you have nothing left to retch up… literally I think some of my stomach wall has come up before.
2. “Morning sickness” is grossly misnamed. Let’s try, “All Day Puke Fest”, “Uncontrollable Vomiting All Hours of the Day” and “What You Used To Love About Food…You Now Loathe”. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself hoping you will just starve to death so you can stop throwing up. This is usually at the point you can feel your spine through your abdomen.
3. Sleep is no longer useful. You can sleep all day but be just as exhausted as you were after you ran your local triathlon. And get used to it, because you will be a zombie for the next nine months. The best way to describe it is being a growing teenage boy again, but having mono and the flu at the same time and tape worms. Kind of. But since you get up at least three or four times a night to pee it’s a little different.
4. Your bladder will shrink to half it’s size. For some reason they don’t put that on the pregnancy test box. “Side Effects Include: Your life flashing before your eyes, bladder shrinkage, and general life reevaluation.”
5. You may not be showing, but to you, you might as well be wallowing in the ocean with the rest of your kind.
6. Even if you were in phenomenal shape before, you will be huffing and puffing walking across a room. And you don’t even have a belly yet to blame it on.
7. Even if you never drank before, you will miss alcohol. A lot. But you can’t talk about how you do or you will get nasty glares from people, “She obviously doesn’t care about her baby”, “Doesn’t she know what she signed up for?” …”Well, no. I didn’t asshole. Now get me a martini.”
8. Those pretty little feet and ankles you have now resemble elephant legs. And I mean, the leathery, fat, log-like legs, yes.
9. People will say your hair and skin will look beautiful during pregnancy. Here’s the two things they DON’T mention about that: Your hair will look beautiful if you can keep all your prenatal vitamins down and if you remember to take them everyday. Either you will throw them up or you will forget. Oh, and all that great hair falls out after the kid comes out anyways. On a totally vain note, does your hair and skin really matter when you feel like a blimp and everyone avoids you anyways because of your “mood swings” ?
10. Although this sounds terrible, you’d rather stay in this stage of vomit-zombie-whalrus because the idea of having a small creature crawl out of your lady parts horrifies crap outta you.
So there you have it. That’s what you can REALLY expect the first few months of pregnancy. Come to think of it, there is a market out there for honesty being the best way to keep lil’ Suzy off the street. CHEERS!