Year: 2012

Disclaimer! This post might contain some positive reinforcement along with some mushy moments. I blame this entirely on hormones and promise to return to my usual dry/sarcastic humor once the wee one has been evicted and my hormones have been rearranged. Until then… enjoy this hiatus from the norm. 

Remember when I wrote The Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy (Part 1)? I know, it was a long time ago, and I feel bad about that. But, I didn’t want to write Part 2 until I had something REALLY worth saying, and until I was further down the path of pregnancy knowledge. Now that I am close to popping, I thought I could finally write down those things that happen in later pregnancy that “they” DON’T tell you. Here goes..

For some reason, “they” (being doctors, parents, friends, random people on the street, web blogs, Yahoo chats….whatever…) do not tell future moms what it is REALLY like to be pregnant. I’m here to do that. In my last post about pregnancy I talked about the crap that happens that is absolutely and TOTALLY not given the gory credit it deserves. Well, I’m here to say; good things happen during pregnancy. Yes, I know. I said it. If you know me, you know I’m not the type to be without morbid curiosity and humor. So, to willing admit something positive has happened in the past couple months is a big step for me…especially when I’ve been whining and moaning about pregnancy. But, since there ARE good things that happen during this trying time, and most people either don’t want to hear them, or simply do not believe me, I am going to write it down. It’s the Truth people!

1. First things first….how can I put this…you will become more of a …woman? Hmm, no that’s not right. Okay, well, you can expect your boobs to enlarge to porn star status. Yes, I know that was blunt. If you are like me and been small chested your whole life, this is a welcome change. Although it can be painful, that does stop and for the rest of pregnancy they are just sit there…being the gloriously large bosoms you have always wished for.

You might say.. “Uh, Abby I know that… my mom told me that..” or ” Yeah, duh, that’s obvious.” BUT! Did you know that (if this is the first baby at least for me) that those things grow BEFORE you get your tummy? SO. In other words, you get a whole couple of months to feel what it is like to be Pam Anderson. At least breast wise. And folks, despite what I might say…it is pretty freakin’ fantastic.

2. Along with that upper chest ego boost, your, how shall I say this…your libido also shoots through the roof, and when I say shoots through the roof, I don’t mean baby conceiving libido, I mean, LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA LIBIDO (no, seriously, you have no idea, and trust me, I thought I used to “have an idea”, but you don’t until you experience pregnancy).

After the horrific death march that is the first trimester, the second trimester rolls around flaunting its boobs and libido and you think it can’t get ANY better than then…

3. YOUR METABOLISM GOES UP! Yes, the perfect trifecta, the mystical and rumored trifecta. Boobs, libido, metabolism.

See people, this is the brief moment in time when your skin is perfect, you have no baby bump, you have porn star boobs, you have no pesky period to deal with, you and your hubby are in seventh heaven, AND, on top of that, YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT. And, THIS HAPPENS ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Impossible?! No sir.

This is what I would imagine Victoria’s Secret models experience. All the time. At least that’s what it looks like in magazines.

So, if that was a little mind blowing for you, well, good. Because pregnancy isn’t all horrid and somethings are worth mentioning or we can expect to go extinct.

 

However, if you are one of those people that like to wallow in the grossness and difficultly that is pregnancy and constantly remind pregnant women that “their lives are over” and, “those things don’t happen to everyone” (oh yeah, these types appear EVERYWHERE once the bump comes out and love to suck the joy out of you like a fungus) you can go ahead and keep doing your thing. But, I for one, I’m going to enjoy the goodness endowed to me, and go flaunt myself to my husband whilst I still feel so inclined.

Cheers!

Everyone has a sub-conscience list of importance based on what they consider “important” at that give time in their life. Usually, this list changes with different priories. For some people it never does. I have come to the conclusion that some people’s lists coincide at varying points in their lives with lists of other people that they would not suspect (or maybe they do, who knows).

(Any given thing of “importance” is rated on a scale that specialized for each person (also based on what they find important) and let’s say that scale is the simple 1-10 category, 1 being the lowest priority or importance and 10 being the greatest.)

Example 1:

Fourteen-year-old girl full of teenage-y angst: 1 being something super not important like homework and 10 being returning the text of a cute guy that if she doesn’t return IMMEDIATELY (with the proper emoticons so that her her deepest emotions are clear) the world will, like, LITERALLY explode.

Same example…but different:

Thirty-seven-year-old woman that is a self-proclaimed Twi-hard, goes on blind dates with men she meets on Craigslist and has five cats with rhyming names: 1 is something super not important like volunteering time to charity and 10 being returning the text of a cute guy that is she doesn’t return IMMEDIATELY (with the exact right wording so she doesn’t seem desperate) she might miss out on her SOUL MATE.

Example 2:

Nineteen-year-old male: 1 is homework and 10 staring at the text from a cute girl for three days trying to figure out what to say.

Same example and…not so different.

Twenty-five-year-old male: (See above but substitute “homework” for “work”.

Example 3:

Twenty-year-old pregnant woman: 1, make-up and skinny jeans. 10, food and sleep.

Thirty-year-old pregnant woman: (see above).

Forty-year-old pregnant woman: (see above).

New-born: (see above).

Thirteen-year-old male: (see above).

Neanderthal: (see above).

Eight-seven-year-old male: (see above).

 

Conclusion? Pregnant women, contrary to popular belief, are the most easily pleased and most relatable category of persons.